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Natalie Speakman
Mar 30, 20165 min read

Are you stagnating in your recovery?

Welcome to my blog! Below you will find my intro video where I explain why I am called to share this message of hope and encouragement for those in recovery who have found themselves depressed, dry and not sober, and possibly consumed with other addictions. Please like, comment, and subscribe to my YouTube channel and my blog here to learn how you can regain the joy of living again!



Here is a general transcript of what my first video is about:

Hi! I am here to share my experience, my strength, and my hope with those who might watch this video and might be struggling in their life. This video is mainly targeted to people in recovery from any kind of addiction, but anyone who finds this video and is in a place in their life where they might be stagnant, depressed, or miserable; especially feeling shame, guilt, or regret for the past, or generally feeling stuck, I want to speak to you today.

I was in that place myself! I have had a long struggle through my life with addiction and recovery- having other addictions come up in my life that brought me back down again. I came to a level of awareness and lack of functioning in my life where I was still sober in AA and I haven’t had a drink in over 17 years, but I also have acted out in other addictions. My life in those years caused so much pain and misery for myself and those people around me. What I learned a long time ago is that once a certain level of recovery is reached – and this is just my own perception and my own story – once all the self-started fires of drama are put out; then there’s a plateau that is reached for a lot of people in 12-step programs. There becomes a level of stagnation, unrest, being unfulfilled, and disillusioned. I’ve seen in the program many people not having true recovery in other areas of their lives like overeating and relationships -those are the two biggest ones that I’ve seen I personally. I have had struggles in my past as well with those.

I’m saying all of this from an aspect of seeing people struggle, and knowing that there can be more for them. There have been so many people with long-term sobriety that have chosen to pick up a drink or drug again, or act out their chosen addiction. There are those who have also chosen suicide rather than drink again. I have almost drank quite a few times in the time that I’ve been in the program, and thank god that I have not.

I think that there is a need for a new level of recovery, a specialized place, specialized tools for people that are in long-term sobriety that no longer struggle every day to not take a drink or a drug, but are just living life, and struggling with other addictions, or emotions. There needs to be a safe space to speak these feelings, and fears, and doubts without fear of judgment. Those having struggles with depression, negative emotions, anxiety, or mental health issues need extra support in recovery.

I have had my own struggles, and what I had to come to was a place where I could no longer keep going on in my chosen addiction in recovery – and it morphed and changed over the years – but for me, they are all behavioral addictions. I was in a place where I could no longer keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I was waking up every day, and feeling so desperate to change. Even though I had the support of a 12-step model, I was not feeling much hope in it. I was feeling that I had grown beyond it, or just had changed in a way where I was wanting something different. (Not judging, of course.)

I had to come to a place of being honest with myself about my situation, and not being in denial, and not thinking that I knew everything, that I had my shit together. I had to acknowledge that my way was no longer working. It’s basically the same process that I went through whenever I got sober at 22 years old- that I had hit a bottom. But this time, I had hit a bottom with my emotions, and with other behaviors in my life, and I could no longer function that way.

I had to become willing: willing to get help; having a willingness to be open to new ways of thinking, being, and doing. I had to be willing to do things that I had never done before. I had to be willing to change. I had to be willing to surrender. I had to be willing to trust. I had to have another level of desperation that initiated change for me and my life; to be willing to trust the outcome.

My plan is to share the things that I have done, the places I have been, the struggles I have had, so that you know that you are not alone existing. I always think about my first few months sober, and just waking up to what we call the pink cloud in the program. My pink cloud was amazing! I remember one day just looking around and blinking, looking at the sunlight. It was like blinders had fallen off of my eyes, and I was existing in the world for the first time. I had a level of awareness; I had a level of joy, completeness, and awakening. I wanted to really live instead of existing. Through experience, doing the steps of the program, I’d been feeling the benefits, but then I just let myself slide back into existing again but without alcohol and drugs. I have such a heart for those out there who may be struggling, feeling like they can’t get that feeling back because it’s been so long. Maybe you’re feeling that you’re just going to meetings, and you’re wanting more but you don’t know where to turn. I also was there. Now I am so excited to share my transformation with you all, and to give you hope that there is another pink cloud out there for you, and that you deserve it, and you’re worth it! You have been chosen- chosen for a life of sobriety, inspiration, and transformation. It’s not just reserved for when you first got sober, but you can have it again and again because there are so many people in this world who need help. I’m really excited to be doing this, and thank you so much for listening.

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