This is 45.

Up until a few months ago, I was ashamed of my age. I never wanted to tell people how old I was.

I worried and wondered if people could guess that I was in my 40s by looking at me. I hoped that I looked younger.

Then in February I went on a Tinder date that inspired me to come fully out of the age closet. I wrote about it here and posted an unfiltered, unedited selfie for all to see.

And I owned my age of 44.

I felt fear as I published what I wrote, but I trusted the unknown. And that post was my most popular to date.

So now here I am today sharing another unfiltered and unedited selfie – although this time I am smiling and using a flash

As you can see, my hair is pink. I’ve never had pink hair before.

I did it to celebrate 45 years young in an unconventional way.

I didn’t know how it would look. I was nervous during the process.

But despite the fear, I trusted the unknown.

And I love the result. Pink hair, don’t care!

This is my 45. With pink hair. And Botox. Yes, BOTOX.

Because even though I’m much closer to accepting my age, I’m still vain.

Even though I declared not to use my looks as currency, I still am masking wrinkles with Botox.

Even though I am out of the age closet, I still want to look younger.

And I can be ok with it. I don’t have to be either this or that.

Don’t have to be either embracing my age and shunning Botox, or hiding my age and using it.

I can own my age, use Botox, and even date younger men, which I do. (My last boyfriend was 18 years younger than me

I can be both/and. It doesn’t have to be either/or.

And this is also 45. Me in my messy complexity and contradictions.

But moving much more toward wholeness and acceptance and self-love.

Regardless of pink hair. Botox. Younger guys. Being without a ‘real job.’

Trusting in the unknown one day at a time.

Being of service. Living a life that is authentically mine.

Not a life I think others would want me to live.

I think of other 45 year old women living lives as wives, mothers, employees, mortgage holders. Society calls that normal. And successful.

But Normal is just a setting on a dryer. And success, a personal designation.

When I was living a conventional life – married, in a 9-5 job, a slave to a paycheck- I was drowning in futility.

I left my husband and my home country almost a decade ago, but I still hung on to that 9-5 job for 8 more years.

Until 6 months ago when my employer dropped a bomb on me: that to keep my job I had to urgently return to the US (on my dime, no less.)

Everything in me was a NO.

So I chose to leave after almost 13 years – and was given no severance pay or unemployment benefits to cushion the free-fall out of my comfort zone.

I trusted the unknown. And it was one of the best choices I’ve ever made.

And I’m now living the most abundant life I’ve ever known.

I enjoy an abundance of time and money freedom, love, peace, service, and opportunity.

When I live in my own integrity and possibility, and trust the unknown, I show others how they can do it too.

This is 45. Living on purpose.

And here’s to 45 more. I pray that on June 12, 2066, at the age of 90, I will proudly dye my hair pink again in celebration of living a life true to me.

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