Recently, I received several thousand dollars out of nowhere. It was unexpected, a windfall.
As I witnessed myself receiving this beautiful and generous gift, I noticed that after the initial reaction of shock followed by gratitude, I felt a jolt of fear and lack.
The amount received didn't feel like enough to erase my money worries, although I thought it "should" have.
My mind created its laundry list of things that were musts, that this money would not cover.
Yes! I can pay off the last remaining debt.
But then there's last year's tax bill.. and the stuff I need for my health that I've put on hold.. along with the things for my business that I have gone without that could really make a difference..
A cascade of self-judgment followed - "How can you feel this way? What's wrong with you? Why can't you just be grateful?"
Receiving this money shone a light on my underlying limiting beliefs and scarcity mindset around money.
The money did not take away the prevalent feeling of lack, and not enough-ness, but rather highlighted it.
Recently, I started reading a book called Get Rich, Lucky Bitch.
I thought, there's nothing more that anyone can say or teach me that I don't already know about money mindset, getting rich, fears and blocks. But I listened anyway, and resolved to have a beginner's mind.
One chapter shared multiple stories about celebrities who got instant success in their music, TV, or movie careers and how many of them mismanaged and blew all of their money.
Hearing example after example of stars going broke after achieving fame and fortune, and the author's conclusion that money isn't the issue, opened up a simple but profound insight:
MORE MONEY WILL NOT FIX THE PROBLEM
Receiving the money gift helped me experience this deeply.
I'd fallen into a natural trap that many of us do, the idea that "If only... I won the lottery... made a million dollars... got that raise, etc" then my money problems would go away.
I now see that an amount of money in my account will not solve the underlying issue:
The fear of there never being enough money, that I don't deserve it, and can't trust it.
I learned early on that money is not safe, it's stressful. It's bad. It's hard to find. It causes lots of problems. That it was hard to make and keep.
And at the same time, that it is also one of the most important things in life. It is to be both loved, feared, respected and worshipped.
Now I have had a direct experience that having more money did not make these underlying beliefs go away.
It won't solve the problem.
I was looking at the effect rather than the cause.
It's a profound insight, and an unexpected additional gift that this sum of money gave me
I feel so free knowing I can stop waiting for some magical amount of money to ease these fears.
I get to do the inner work to heal those patterns, beliefs, memories, and emotions as those are what kept me stuck - and what has been blocking more abundance from coming.
BTW, I'm not trying to sound all doom and gloom about my finances. I'm doing pretty f*ing good in my life, this is just the next layer of healing...
I'm already a success in so many ways.
I feel super excited for what's next as I transform these old patterns and beliefs.
If you have struggled with lack or scarcity- always feeling like there is never enough money, and even when you receive, struggling with having it and feeling worthy or enough.. Please share your experience in the comments - I would love to hear from you.